World Suicide Prevention Day

An ironic thing. I read Billboard’s post about lagu apa yang selalu buat kamu bangkit dan semangat menjalani hidup? I cannot think any. I cannot sing one lyrics or two. Even baby shark, I wonder why I forget.

I just think today is just another day. Making matrix plan and these and those. Deadline that haunted makes me cannot sleep well. Until… I.. found.. that ‘another dirty big secret of his life’.

The dirtiest thing that I want him to stop. He swore he will never do that again. Hundred days ago. But that 4 days ago post tell that he cannot stop. From one alter to another.

No. Not my fault. I know.

It’s his things that he can’t stop.

I just…..wonders.. if I put my self in the right place months ago, I will never see this things anymore.

I didn’t commit to die back then. I wanna have a healthier me for me. A healthy mind so I could make my kids to be a better person than me.

I didn’t commit suicide, yet.

I know I have a happy life. And now I’m crying to write those ‘happy life’ words. Who will be happy when your happy moments are totally bulshit? I’m happy with him but he never thinks the same.

I didn’t commit suicide. No I won’t.

And I’m too shy to seek help from you Rit, Mae, Boo. Again. I put myself in this situation. Unashamedly defend for him. I remember every Mae said that she confused about Sasi. I remember Boo disappoint when I posted another happy me and he in one frame. And I will never forget about Rita’s hug every time I need her to keep me calm. Now.. I have to face it myself.

I put this note here. So when something happens, either it will be a good decision or not, I already remind my brain to do it on my risk.

Well. No. I wont die today.

Update. We’ve separated. I’ll keep my mouth shut since today. (Sept, 11th 22.00)

Day 1 was terrible. But I could barely stand on my smile a whole day. (Sept, 12th 2019). Good job. Let’s fight another day.

September 17th, 2019. Let’s eliminate things that didn’t make you happy. Kalau ada masalah bicarakan. Diajak bicara hilang. Hey!

September 19th, 2019. Satu ciuman rusak pertahanan seminggu. Bangsat. But, di hari yg sama ada info relationship coach, mungkin memang perlu ketemu konsultan pernikahan untuk mengatasi masalah kami berdua.